This isn't finished. I'll post the end result as well.
This is the revised version. Not many changes.
Just removing hair strokes and trimming down the shoulder volume.
The impact of the hair's black mass was getting lost in the first version.
I knew I didn't like the previous version but didn't know exactly why at the time.
Subtracting - rather than adding - detail was the solution.
For me, more often than not, stripping away information is the answer.